The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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