i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
