Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It was confusing and full of hummus
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
