According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
