Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
