this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i came on her dog
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
