Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
