when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
