The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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