I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
