Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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