I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
