Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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