I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
