oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
