I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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