remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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