her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
