I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
