I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
