dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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