Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
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They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
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Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent