I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air