I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out