im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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