i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
