She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
