I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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