someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
