Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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