i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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