i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
