you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
