I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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