I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
