I can tuck mytits in my pants
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
