too bad you live with your parents still
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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