So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
