So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
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