I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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