I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
