i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
