i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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