I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
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Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
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I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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