My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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