hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize