as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
