Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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