I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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