paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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