So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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