the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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