Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
