I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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