Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
