I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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