Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My dick has a subreddit
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
