dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
