I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
