I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
