i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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