I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
