My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
