Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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