Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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